blue

blue and all the colours point to blue and i arrive at her house and its all blue and her cars outside so i presume shes in and swig some whiskey and climb a fence which looks blue in my vision and i'm in a garden that should be green but its blue i got the blues i climb up into her window carefully on blue vines and sit on the blue ledge looking to mellow skies i tap twice but carefully incase shes sleeping with someone new climb in and say im sorry so sorry ive got the blues

this is a post about how i feel

i haven't posted in a long time and i suppose you all think i have neglected you. this is for two reasons.
1) everything i have written, even after i have changed the names is brilliant but will insult someone
2) i have been writing on paper, not on life. i am hopefully about 79000 words into a novel.

ok so if you haven't guessed already, i am a bit drunk right now

also i am not sure if i am happy or sad

i care about someone very much right now, in a way that i am not sure is right or wrong or anything in between, albeit i know that i will be there for them whatever. this is not unusual for me because i will be there for a lot of people. all i want to know at the moment is that life will be ok. i don't know if this is a lot to ask but it probably is. i want people to talk to me and be nice to me even though i am a failure and not very good at life at all. i don't mind being a failure because in the grand scheme of things it does not really matter. what does matter is if you are breathing or not because a lot of people aren't. i would like to talk to you and tell you these things. i am at work tomorrow and that is scary because i am not sure how i feel about working whilst feeling how i do. by how i do i do not mean drunk i mean sad. i scare myself when i am sad a lot and i wish i could talk to other people about it the way that other people do to me. i like people because they are very good at changing your emotion in a very very fast manner. i am sorry i am not other people though if you ask me. one day i have decided i will feel good enough. when that day comes i will be better and feel worthy of everybody who wastes their time on me. especially you. i think that you are amazing in many ways and not even because you are academically better than me. other reasons include the fact you are very pretty and also more socially ok than me. this is a silly piece of writing but for anyone that reads the crap i write probably deserves this insight into my life. if any of you at any point feel sad or unworthy of anything then please, please, please,
either contact me via twitter @vexxxed
or email me sebsmtv@aol.com
the first option is probably the better but i will reply to both
i am very sorry and i hope you all feel good and happy

love always and forever

sophie xxxxxxxxx