It’s 2am and I am lying on the floor wearing your shirt.
Blood now soaks through the cuffs and the collar is tear stained. I do not want
a single vein left intact. My bruised limbs shake as I reach for the pills on
the table. I swallow fourteen in total; simultaneously. I want to escape this
place. I imagine myself floating away to a field of thornless roses I’ll call nirvana.
I imagine you there with me. No. That’s what got me here in the first place.
You are not part of the equation anymore. Why can’t I bring myself to accept
that? I hear your favourite music drone on in the background and I melt into
the sheets. The sheets turn crimson. I want to turn the room crimson. I want to
drown in pools of my sickly blood. Words I wish you’d never said spin round my
mind, haunting, stealing the breath from my starving mouth. The only thing I
want is peace and for all the hurt, all the lies and all the betrayal to leave me
for good. I feel fainter with each moment passed. I feel safer with each moment
passed. I feel euphoric with each moment passed. I want blood to seep from my
neck too. I want the canvas of my body to match my twisted insides. I see your
face in every corner of the room but I’ve ran out of lungs to scream and tears
to cry. I feel the carnivorous wind creep through the crack in the window and I
feel it feast on my skin. I want it to take me with it; out the window and into
the open sky. I wish to feel weightless as it does. I wish to feel free. Only
one route to freedom now transpires like a revelation. A revelation I had
avoided for so long. My fingers curl their way around the razor rested on my
left thigh. They squeeze the blade to provide me with the relief I crave. Next,
without a thought I tilt my next back, hold my breath, clench my fists….and I’m
gone.
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