Nostalgia

After you left me there was silence at first. Just utter melancholy silence that numbed me to the core.

Soon after came the screams and the cries as I slept alone in our oversized bed, I wept and wept until I eventually found myself comfort in slumber. I tried to drown out the pain with gin and your cigarettes but it never left. After all the noise I succumbed myself to feelings of numbness to ease the pain the ached through my tender limbs. I kept myself numb with the music. The droning music you despised so much as I let myself drift away from this cruel place. I didn’t know what it was exactly to be alive but I knew that I lacked it. I was missing something crucial and I lay my despair in your pillow. Soon after that my clothes started to lack that distinctive smell of yours I relied on to keep me sane throughout the long nights, ripping from me the false security that you had never left. Sometimes I dreamt that you were merely a figure of my imagination I had invented to protect myself, maybe that would’ve been easier for us both. Then, of course were the terrifying doubts that kept me turning in my likely grave. Did you ever even love me? It was so fucking easy for you to leave. I let every single wall and boundary down for you, I gave you absolutely everything I possessed. I kept blood flowing through my veins just so I could keep you warm at night. Now my blood runs cold and for no-one. Now I am alone.

Eventually of course, it grew easier. Did it grow easier or did I merely grow stronger? I began to sleep as required. I began to taste food again and I started to enjoy things.  I laughed again in the daytimes reminiscent of the friendships I had given up in order to keep you satisfied. I still cried in the evenings, of course. I clutched your photograph and sobbed until I could feel no more. But I was okay.

Sometimes dark thoughts would enter my head as I romanticised my own funeral and dying with only one true love in my soul. It seemed perfect to me. I guess I just read far too many books but I truly did believe that you were it for me. The only love I’d ever know, I’d say, but I was so fucking young, and in youth I was revived.