spontaneous poem

this is a spontaneous poem
the first i have written
its about this girl laura
who is lame
because she chucked my friend rebecca
out of bed and into the streets

this was going to be a lame poem
but
i feel horrible
and rebecca feels sad
for obvious reasons

we are both upset

so

fuck everyone who says

sophie and rebecca are not the best friends in the world

we have each other forever

blue

blue and all the colours point to blue and i arrive at her house and its all blue and her cars outside so i presume shes in and swig some whiskey and climb a fence which looks blue in my vision and i'm in a garden that should be green but its blue i got the blues i climb up into her window carefully on blue vines and sit on the blue ledge looking to mellow skies i tap twice but carefully incase shes sleeping with someone new climb in and say im sorry so sorry ive got the blues

this is a post about how i feel

i haven't posted in a long time and i suppose you all think i have neglected you. this is for two reasons.
1) everything i have written, even after i have changed the names is brilliant but will insult someone
2) i have been writing on paper, not on life. i am hopefully about 79000 words into a novel.

ok so if you haven't guessed already, i am a bit drunk right now

also i am not sure if i am happy or sad

i care about someone very much right now, in a way that i am not sure is right or wrong or anything in between, albeit i know that i will be there for them whatever. this is not unusual for me because i will be there for a lot of people. all i want to know at the moment is that life will be ok. i don't know if this is a lot to ask but it probably is. i want people to talk to me and be nice to me even though i am a failure and not very good at life at all. i don't mind being a failure because in the grand scheme of things it does not really matter. what does matter is if you are breathing or not because a lot of people aren't. i would like to talk to you and tell you these things. i am at work tomorrow and that is scary because i am not sure how i feel about working whilst feeling how i do. by how i do i do not mean drunk i mean sad. i scare myself when i am sad a lot and i wish i could talk to other people about it the way that other people do to me. i like people because they are very good at changing your emotion in a very very fast manner. i am sorry i am not other people though if you ask me. one day i have decided i will feel good enough. when that day comes i will be better and feel worthy of everybody who wastes their time on me. especially you. i think that you are amazing in many ways and not even because you are academically better than me. other reasons include the fact you are very pretty and also more socially ok than me. this is a silly piece of writing but for anyone that reads the crap i write probably deserves this insight into my life. if any of you at any point feel sad or unworthy of anything then please, please, please,
either contact me via twitter @vexxxed
or email me sebsmtv@aol.com
the first option is probably the better but i will reply to both
i am very sorry and i hope you all feel good and happy

love always and forever

sophie xxxxxxxxx

I miss you

She waits under the streetlight

With an absinthe glow of wildlife

I stand across and wait

It's getting a little late now

Leaves, without a word

So gracefully I never notice

But now I'm inclined to miss you;

Like you were ever mine to miss 

Ecstasy

Divine words roll off my tongue

And bounce off the walls 

Echoing your thoughts

Slipping through my veins

And into yours

Cascading shadows that displace

The misfortunes of reality 

From the human mind

And bringing to life

Ecstasy

Lines

Tiny particles of my brain remind me

To remain at great distance from the phone

That’s because I might call you

And tell you everything that I have been thinking

About how it was always you

And that you are the only one I have ever loved

Even each drop I bleed is in vain of your memory

While each drop I don’t is in anticipation of your return

So maybe it’s true

That I am still living my life for you

I wish that it wasn’t and I must contain how I feel because

You can never feel the same and you will

You will destroy me

Solace

Someday it may come
That your heart no longer beats beside mine
And someday may we no longer cry
But cherish the beauty we used to share
Between thoughts words and sighs
Between tears pain and cries
And every mark I branded on your skin
Will become little more than footnotes
Unimportant, unobscured patterns
That may eventually lead you back here
To feel my heartbeat once again

If not, my dear than all I can say
Is I hope you find solace somewhere
Amongst the wreckage of a lonely world
That somehow possesses a beauty recognisable
To lonely hearts hiding in the abyss
Often buried in fear and conflict
That is almost as real as the way
Shielding blood flows through our veins
As if keeping us here as long as we need
To discover each other once more